Feeling blah, meh, old, broken down, sad, and sorry for myself.

It’s been 7 days since my last post. I’m in a funk. So much so, I can’t even formulate into words how I am feeling.

I’m not depressed – just feeling blah about everything. I still think I am grieving these changes our country is growing through, knowing it will never be the same again. Yep, that must be it.

And I am in a funk over getting older. Lately, I have really been feeling my age. My body is breaking down. Not my internal organs – or cancer just the wear and tear of my exterior – having to have another surgery to fix a part of me. Plus my dog stepped on my foot and might have broken it or at the very least a small but deep fracture – so I am hobbling around on a ski boot. It works. Then there are my eyes – I can’t wait to get these cataracts removed. Reading, which I enjoy is laborsome. It’s not comfortable to curl up with a book if I can’t see very well. Well, that will change – my cataract surgery is on October 26 and Nov 9. Now that should make me happy and I should be planning my reading…

I am thankful I am not deeply depressed. I understand that it is just a season for me. Caused by many things. I waited till I got my Medicare before starting to get things fixed. Then there was last year – which nothing happened. Many surgeries that I needed were still considered “elective” and thus I had to wait.

Don’t even get me started about the cost of everything these days. We bought our electric hybrid this past June and boy, just in time. Gas is pushing toward $5.00 a gallon in some areas. We’ve only had to fill up our gas tank 3 times since early June. It would have been less if we didn’t take our weekly drives to get out of the house. I tell you, if I didn’t have those “adventures” to look forward to, I’d probably be feeling even more down. Food – you have to eat. I am thankful we do get a senior brown bag and a senior box every month. Most of it is stuff I normally wouldn’t buy but I am stockpiling it in our back room. (formerly my craft room)

When I get this way, I find comfort to lie down and close my eyes and think about my family; my mom and dad, and my sister in happier times while growing up. While Mom and I didn’t get along so well after I left home, I still loved her and am grateful for her mothering of me, when I needed it. That’s big, coming from me – Seems the last few years I have been ragging on my mom. I think it might be time to let all of that go and just accept her as the imperfect person that she was. After all, I sure am not perfect!

This week I talked to 2 old friends on the phone that live far from me. We used to be best friends – until I left the bay area. The other day, I picked up Margie’s senior box and bag and drive them to her. She is 80 but doesn’t seem like it. More like 75. She too felt nostalgic – talking about her family; growing up in Brooklyn, New York. I realize not everyone has these good childhood memories to draw from and for that I am sorry and I wish everyone did. It doesn’t always have to be from childhood – just a time or season in your life that brings you JOY when you look back.

I don’t like change – I don’t always handle change well. Too much for me of late – the outside world, my physical world within my own body – everything is changing. I miss my boys – not my adult kids but my 3 little boys, one of which has been gone from this earth since 2003. My heart aches for him at times. A mother never stops grieving for her children because it is unnatural to outlive a child. I do fear, that as my 2 remaining sons, that I might outlive one or both of them. My middle son, will be 41 in Nov and starting to get at that age. He’s single so I tend to worry about him more.

Ohhhh don’t mind me – I’m just a mess these days. Feeling sorry for myself and I will get through this; I always do. It helps to just jot these thoughts down.