This weekend is the worse for me. Today marks 18 years since I haven\’t seen my oldest son, Michael. Today I have napped most of the day – I just feel so sleepy.
These \”anniversaries\” are hard but we must go through them – some years are better than others. I guess this year, for whatever reason is a hard one.
Then there is tomorrow – Mothers Day. My Mom is gone. In a way, she\’s been gone longer than 13 years. I miss the \”mommy\” she was until I moved out of the house and then she became difficult. Even those years I was living at home, she had moments where she seemed like a different person. I never understood how she would do or say those things to their children.
In a way, she did me a favor. I vowed I would never be the mom she was. I would love my sons unconditionally and not use the old mother\’s guilt on them. I even went to a shrink, just after Michael was born and went for years – just so I would not be like my mom. I was told, just the fact that I was there, showed I would not be like her.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring to me. It\’s like a bad drunk – I\’d much rather just sleep through it all.
Bring on Monday and fast!