Feeling the feelings I don’t want to feel

I miss her so much
Nina\’s best friend texted me last night saying she is going to mail her things up to me. I guess that does it. I still have to get my sister\’s stuff (which is a lot) but I am waiting for her husband to initiate it again or at least wait until after the holidays. I really don\’t need any of it – I\’ve long forgotten what I did give to my sister after my folks p[assed – but it doesn\’t feel right to just have him throw it all away. I know my sons want some of their Grandpa\’s stuff that she had. Soon, it should all be behind me. 
I stare a lot. Just sit and stare – no music no tv – nothing. No crying. Most of the time I am not even thinking. I find it cleanses my mind. It is relaxing for me to just sit and stare at a blank wall. It\’s like I am giving my brain a chance to rejuvenate. I think I even wrote a post some years ago, how I tend to do this. Heck, I just remembered I even have that listed as part of my description of this blog, so yeah, I\’ve been doing this for years! 
I really dislike, feeling my emotions. I don\’t like \”chick flicks\” and mushy type films, because I hate to cry. I used to be a big cry baby and would cry at the drop of a hat – I was a very emotional person. After my son passed I spent too many years, feeling those emotions and it was too much. I finally had to use my brain, to overcome the emotions that were crippling me. I had to find a place to put them – grief, emotions, all of it, into a box and basically \”stuffed them.\” Experts say you shouldn\’t \”stuff\” your feelings and that is partly true but what they don\’t tell you, is some people can get stuck in their emotions – they are imprisoned in their grief and need help to get back to life. It took me nearly 10 years to get back into the swing of life again. In doing so, I have certain rules that I made for myself. I don\’t do, sentimental movies, or music. The other side is, I may come off as stoic, or unfeeling which is correct. I am trying not to feel. But I do care. 
My husband is way more emotional than I am about certain things. I sit there and feel bad about myself because I can\’t allow myself to feel. So these past couple of weeks I have been feeling those feelings that really mess me up. I remember years ago when I was in therapy – she had me write a list of things – Fact or Feelings. That really helped me. I could then sort out what was real and what was just feelings, even though feelings feel real, they are fleeting. A year from now, I may not have those feelings whereas Facts will always be there. 
That\’s why keeping a personal blog has helped me so much throughout the years. The stuff inside me has to come out – and since I do tend to keep them bottled up, I can express them so much better when I write about them, regardless if they make sense to anyone or not. They make sense to me. 

From My House – For the homemaking side of me

7 thoughts on “Feeling the feelings I don’t want to feel

  1. Anonymous December 3, 2020 / 9:57 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine what you feel. Wish I was close enough to just come and give you a hug. Not that it would help, but grief needs to be shared and wiped off on someone so to speak.

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  2. Anonymous December 4, 2020 / 12:57 am

    ((Hugs)).God bless.

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  3. Anonymous December 4, 2020 / 12:57 am

    I get the stare you describe. When going through a tough thing a few years ago I found myself doing that a lot. It is good you'll get the things to look through. You are right, your sons might want some of the things in memory of both of their grandparents.betty

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  4. Anonymous December 4, 2020 / 5:36 am

    It's a hard time for you. I'm so sorry.Love,Janie

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  5. Anonymous December 5, 2020 / 12:24 am

    It mudt be so hard for all involved

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  6. Anonymous December 7, 2020 / 8:07 am

    Oh goodness, I've only just caught up with the news about your niece. That's a terrible blow on top of all the other losses you mentioned earlier. But you seem to be dealing with your feelings in a very practical and sensible way.

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  7. Anonymous December 7, 2020 / 7:49 pm

    Thanks Nick. I'm definitely not a rookie when it comes to death. It hurts hard at first and then I just go numb, to get through. It works for me.

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