In the last 2 days, I feel as if I am losing my serenity. Seems I can\’t shake off the doldrums as well as I used to. I\’m finding it very hard to stay positive. I try – oh how I try.
I\’m BORED. I don\’t want to read any more books – watch anymore TV. I want to sleep. Wake me up when this year is over! I\’m feeling angry – I\’m sad. I feel cooped up. I love my home and yes, I usually love to stay home but I\’m really starting to lose it. To think today is the last day of August and I have nothing to show for this past year. Plus it is HOT and I am sick of HOT WEATHER. It was 110 on Friday.
My county is supposed to re-open once again today. I want to start going to the GYM. I\’m not going to be all scared about it – I have to do it for my own mental health. I want to check to see if some wineries are open…I miss going and spending a day at our favorite little winery near us. I want to go out to eat – no take out. I plan to get my hair cut and a pedicure. They are saying museums and movie theaters might be opening up. I just want to GET OUT OF HERE and do something.
I\’m to the point right now, that I am looking at the quality of my life rather than safety. To think if I had to live this way for the rest of my life – I\’d be very depressed. I\’m not saying I would ever do this, but suicide does run in my family. I can understand how my mom couldn\’t live without my dad anymore – I can\’t live without enjoying life.
I take anti-depressants and have since the mid-1990s. I was told I was a \”lifer\”. That I would probably never be able to get off them. Last year, before my knee surgery I did drop down to the lowest dose – I felt great but am now starting to feel that I could go up in my dose. I am still holding out – I\’m concerned for myself this winter. I\’m already feeling homebound. I\’ve lost all momentum to do anything.
I keep a smile on my face and don\’t tell anyone. Not even my husband. Not my kids because they remember when I had a nervous breakdown – and I wouldn\’t want to worry them. I think I am fine and by me, posting this – is a good thing. Years ago, I would suffer alone and had no outlet.
I wish I could cry – I feel it\’s in there but I have trained myself not to. I\’ve cried so much in my life, that I hate it.
Today I did a little work in my front yard – because I had to. Weeds were growing up high. The husband said we should get a gardener. I\’m thinking, \”No I\’d rather save us some money.\” So I got out there and used the weed trimmer and whacked the hell out of those weeds. I saved about $100.
I\’m hoping this week will be different. I will work out at the gym – make a hair appointment, \”do lunch\” and drink some wine!