Wake me up when this year is over

In the last 2 days, I feel as if I am losing my serenity. Seems I can\’t shake off the doldrums as well as I used to. I\’m finding it very hard to stay positive. I try – oh how I try. 

I\’m BORED. I don\’t want to read any more books – watch anymore TV. I want to sleep. Wake me up when this year is over! I\’m feeling angry – I\’m sad. I feel cooped up. I love my home and yes, I usually love to stay home but I\’m really starting to lose it. To think today is the last day of August and I have nothing to show for this past year. Plus it is HOT and I am sick of HOT WEATHER. It was 110 on Friday. 

My county is supposed to re-open once again today. I want to start going to the GYM. I\’m not going to be all scared about it – I have to do it for my own mental health. I want to check to see if some wineries are open…I miss going and spending a day at our favorite little winery near us. I want to go out to eat – no take out. I plan to get my hair cut and a pedicure. They are saying museums and movie theaters might be opening up. I just want to GET OUT OF HERE and do something. 

I\’m to the point right now, that I am looking at the quality of my life rather than safety. To think if I had to live this way for the rest of my life – I\’d be very depressed. I\’m not saying I would ever do this, but suicide does run in my family. I can understand how my mom couldn\’t live without my dad anymore – I can\’t live without enjoying life. 

I take anti-depressants and have since the mid-1990s. I was told I was a \”lifer\”. That I would probably never be able to get off them. Last year, before my knee surgery I did drop down to the lowest dose – I felt great but am now starting to feel that I could go up in my dose. I am still holding out – I\’m concerned for myself this winter. I\’m already feeling homebound. I\’ve lost all momentum to do anything. 

I keep a smile on my face and don\’t tell anyone. Not even my husband. Not my kids because they remember when I had a nervous breakdown – and I wouldn\’t want to worry them. I think I am fine and by me, posting this – is a good thing. Years ago, I would suffer alone and had no outlet. 

I wish I could cry – I feel it\’s in there but I have trained myself not to. I\’ve cried so much in my life, that I hate it. 

Today I did a little work in my front yard – because I had to. Weeds were growing up high. The husband said we should get a gardener. I\’m thinking, \”No I\’d rather save us some money.\”  So I got out there and used the weed trimmer and whacked the hell out of those weeds. I saved about $100. 

DONE! 

I\’m hoping this week will be different. I will work out at the gym – make a hair appointment,  \”do lunch\” and drink some wine! 

6 thoughts on “Wake me up when this year is over

  1. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 1:44 pm

    Oh wow, thanks for posting what can be opened. I hope they can stay opened. Get out and do it all that you can! We aren't guaranteed a tomorrow so life for today! I felt that way back in May before things opened up again and once things started to I got out and started living again. This virus has seriously affected a lot of people's mental health!betty

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  2. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 4:27 pm

    New York City has been slowly opening up again, and I, too, have really missed the gym. More than the gym, I've missed lap swims and water aerobics. I'm not surprised about the pool, but surprised that I'm longing for the weight machines. The weight rooms are supposed to open next week and a visit is definitely on my list. Getting a hair cut was just about life changing and it really lifted my mood. Hope it lifts your spirits, too.

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  3. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 6:19 pm

    How I agree with your first paragraph. I'm feeling much the same – restless and negative. It's depressing to think that this totally abnormal situation, all the safety measures and everyone being wary of everyone else, could go on for a very long time until the virus is under control. How I miss the carefree gadding-about and socialising that I was used to before the lockdown. I try to focus on all the positive aspects of such a restricted existence, but it's an uphill task. Still, someday this will all be over and we'll look back on the pandemic as if it was just a bad dream.

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  4. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 8:07 pm

    Awesome that NYC is starting to open up. I missed water aerobics too.

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  5. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 8:08 pm

    We are at 25% capacity here in western NY, no gyms yet AND our governor sent SWAT over to SUNY (state Univ. of NY) Oneonta as they had a house party and 100 people became ill with Covid. SWAT, Yep. So wrong…I better leave it at that.All this has been so hard on everyone and in your situation, I can only imagine. I think its safe to say, enough and we all want our lives back, period.

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  6. Anonymous August 31, 2020 / 8:11 pm

    A bad dream for sure.

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